Top Ten Souls
by Leider Hosen
Summary: This is the part of the show where i flame the dogshit out of things i don't like and overly praise the things i do (intelligence not included) X3
1. Worst Dks2 Bosses

A/N: I'm back ;3

Now that my Exile in AP Testing is finished, with final exams a safe two weeks away, I'll get back to updating consistently again for a little while. Am I meandering project to project? Yes. Is it infuriating? Probably, but switching things up keeps my creative energy- which does run down occasionally- circulating, because I'd rather put something off and write it correctly when I'm feeling in the mood rather than slam it out by force. I tried that with Metas vs Ornstein- it was a major fuckup on my part and I hope to avoid a repeat.

As you can probably tell, this is an opinion piece- a break from my usual, serious critical thinking and language. Basically, this will be a synapsis of what I like and don't like about the Souls games in a convenient "Top Ten" format.

Thus, it will be riddled with grotesque humor and swearing of the most blatant and informal kind, furthermore, I personally won't give a fuck what other's think in writing this- it's MY opinion, you can feel free to agree or disagree. Or, if you feel I've missed something or have a suggestion/debate, send a PM or post a review for a classic "my opinion is better than your opinion" debate.

I do forget things upon occasion and I may have overlooked a great boss/weapon/level/misc. in my writing. Lists will be subject to change if I decide to reshuffle it based on new suggestions (hooray, indecisiveness). I'm typing this at 11:15pm so this likely gunna' be full of errors, typos, and raging.

You were warned :3

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**Top Ten Worst Bosses of DkS2:** Let's face it, the idea's department was running low- and the quality suffered for it. Let's take a look at the biggest offenders and where they went wrong:

**10). Duke's Dear Freja:** While there's nothing especially game breaking about this boss, I found her to be a pretty easy kill for an "Old One", found her very unoriginal since she is basically a copy pasted armor spider just without the flames, and- of course- Troll Soft had to give her oodles of completely unnecessary spirderlings just to piss you off… until you summon the ashen knight who rapes them all with his estoc while you distract the actual boss and evade its painfully telegraphed stomping attacks.

Really, the boss is more a nuisance than a threat- until it instakills you with its fucking OP laser beam, forcing you to start this fight all over again.

**9). Nashandra: **This boss wasn't so bad, I really don't have too much to say, accept that this fight was way too fucking easy. I mean, this is the FINAL boss- this is the final assessment of your skills and abilities after getting this far. At the same time, It is also the source of your ultimate satisfaction- the one that sees you off to the end credits to thank you for playing.

I've fought many, many, great final bosses. From Virgil from DMC3 being one of the most impossibly difficult to kill bosses of any game I've played, to Kessler from Infamous, whose fight was so awe-inspiring with its atmosphere and combat it's gained a special place in my gaming experience, even the Tyrannosaurus from Dino Crisis was memorable because it's the boss that's been making your life hell through the whole fucking game and now not only do you get to kill him, but you get to see how your choices effect his demise.

I'm sorry to say, but Nashandra was not on the list of great final bosses- all you need to do is hover outside the field of cursing clouds, evade the stupidly easy to spot laser beam, and shoot her repeatedly with the dragonrider bow whist she crawls towards you at pitifully low speeds. I left feeling very unsatisfied in my victory, though beating the game was nice.

**8). Throne Watcher and Throne Defender: **No problems here, none at all… but WHY!? This double boss fight serves literally no purpose but to delay your fight with the final boss. Seriously, that is it- you even fight them _in the fucking final boss room_ but _no_, Troll Soft just has to delay the end of the game yet again with a pointless boss that could've been just as good anywhere else.

**7). Royal Rat Authority:** Again, no particular problems with the boss itself, I'm just off-put by how stunningly unoriginal he is. Yeah, I get it, it's a giant dog- he hits you with his head and claws and- barfs acid. Comparing him to Great grey Wolf Sif- yeah- completely unoriginal and lacking any memorable trait- save two.

One is the rats that toxin you to death before you get the privilege of fighting the boss because "fuck you, that's why", the other is his nasty habit of reaching around your shield with his paw and murdering you with the broken hitbox. Neither Add prestige to this boss, especially when you can learn to avoid the broken hitbox.

I've beaten him four times in a row the first try… without healing.

**6). The Prowling Magus and Congregation**: My complaints on difficulty are pretty wishy washy because I consider so many types and aspects of difficulty, as well as the dominating question did it _feel _too easy or too hard? This definitely fell in the former party. I murdered them effortlessly- summon, no summon, large weapon, small weapon, it didn't matter- I was literally awestruck by how fast the lifebars vanished before my very eyes whist all opposition fell before me with no opposition whatsoever.

It's a shame since their aesthetic and concept were actually really good.

**5). Covetous Demon**: Give me an a-r-t-i-f-i-c-i-a-l, what does that spell? Artificial difficulty! Big, slow, easy to evade, easy to predict, not to mention it looks like the bastard father of Jabba the Hut to the point of copyright infringement. That alone earns it a sin, but what really pisses me off is this guy's grab attack, which is surprisingly hard to avoid if you stop paying attention a moment.

How do you think it felt the first time- the first time I was hacking away at this fat ass tub of lard, only to get swept off my feet by his tongue, banging the bumper buttons, gasping in surprise at the miniscule amount of damage his bite attack made as he spat me out, the relief turning to shock as I see Lady Shuffles' naked ass flopping in the breeze with only her fists, only to get raped by the easiest boss in the fucking game next to Prowling Magus. _Not good!_

**4). Demon of Song**: Ah, the infamous demon of song. There's not much to say you don't already know: his moveset is painfully simplistic, his one real advantage is the ever cheap invulnerability-until-weakspot-appears cliché and his stupidly OP melee, and worst of all, cheaping him out is easy beyond belief because he's so slow and predictable. It all made for very dull, boring, and uninteresting fight.

But, even if he's the worst fight, there are still three more bosses- bosses that drove me to the edge of my sanity, bosses that left a permanent scar on the fabric of my gaming experience- that drove me to the very edge of ragequit…

**3). Lava lake with an irritating asshole to toss you into it**: This boss was painful, it really was- from the ridiculously heavy handed devil imagery to the serious shortfall of my expectation this would be a great, powerful ironclad warrior. Seeing him for the first time didn't evoke a sense of terror or awe- just confusion, like "really, that's it?" But what made this so unholy frustrating was the ridiculously cheap and irritating lava related deaths. Seriously- never once did I die to claws or fire damage, not once, however- I did get trapped for five hours getting punched into the magma, bumping a plume of firebreath and getting knocked in the magma, walking off the ledge into the magma. Or, my personal favorite, trying to escape behind a wall only to get shot in the ass with a fiery laser beam and- guess what?- Getting knocked into the fucking magma _again!_

**2). Mytha, the Baneful Queen**: Worse than old Iron King, this boss resulted in eight hours of lost time getting poisoned to death over, and over, and over, and over again. And when it wasn't poison, it was this bosses regeneration and high speed stabbing and spells. But then- oh then- I met with the ultimate insult to injury. All you have to do is burn the windmill down, and the poison will drain.

That's it. She's rendered nigh unkillable by poison, but if you burn the windmill, she becomes one of the easiest bosses in the game because aside from her constricting grab attack, her spear and magic attacks do little to no damage with a shield up.

Now, Troll Soft, I have a quick question: "how in the bloody fuck was I supposed to know that!?" It gives you no indication or clue whatsoever, I just expects you figure it out by standing by the windmill with a torch and seeing the option to light it up. To be fair, the machinery powered by the windmill, that so happens to run the pumps, is a bit of a clue but again, "how was I supposed to know that!?"

**1). NG+ Lost sinner:** Now, I'm specifying NG+ lost sinner because NG Lost Sinner was actually pretty good. But- this isn't that Lost sinner. This is NG+ Lost Sinner.

This is the boss that ate up eighteen hours of gameplay trying to get past- that made me so angry I couldn't play the game for a _week_ due to death after agonizing death with no prayer of victory.

Lost Sinner was, I can very safely say, the hardest boss in the game. No- the fucking cheap ass environmental bosses don't count. It took a _lot_ of time and practice before I was finally able to fight her on equal footing in NG, and I knew better than to expect any mercy in NG+.

So, I ventured into the fog, and begun the battle of the century- I got her down to 80% health pretty quickly, and I only got scathed by a few attacks since I had significantly better dodging skills, life, and armor than the first go around. And then, oh then, _they _came.

Not one, but two black phantom pyromancers with flameswath, forbidden sun, and chaos fireball, circling the area throwing everything they had at me while it took 100% of my attention just to keep in step with the Lost Sinner. And then, I died.

And died. And died. _And fucking died for two full days strait!_ Those fucking black phantoms made the hardest non-cheap fight in the game completely impossible. And unlike most bosses, there is no cheesing this boss, there is no special something to do to lower the difficulty, you are well truly, and absolutely fucked without reprieve.

This is the one and only fight in all of souls that caused more pain and rage for me than the bed of chaos. The bed. Of chaos.

I had to leave long enough to regain my composure, research possible strategies to fight her with, and come back equipped with equipment completely alien to me- die about fifteen more times- then finally- _finally_- the music stopped, and she disintegrated.

But, at that point- I was so frustrated I hardly felt the sweet taste of victory- more like the reserved satisfaction it was finally over with.

This is not good. Victory should feel like a great accomplishment well worth the effort, and since this boss was completely and utterly devoid of that, I can safely call NG+ Lost Sinner the worst boss of Dks2

**0). Those fucking prickhole exploding mummies!**: Hear that? that collective moan of absolute despair? That's from the people that remember the things, even if they don't count as bosses! The fuckers gang up on you, then just explode, knocking you across the room, leaving you no ability to defend yourself and lining you up to get hit _over and over_ _again. _And, if you're not into petrification, there's the pyro that will likely one shot you, and an acid one that will destroy all your shit.

I once got caught up against an acid one, who literally bellyflopped the instant i stood resulting in an unending loop. I lost three of my five armor pieces, my weapon, and two rings before i finally escaped the fucker- and don't get me started on the fucking zerg rush of pyros at the entrance to the Gutter!

Not bosses, but nonetheless, they win the coveted trophy for most infuriating sacks of shit in the goddamn game.

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Thanks for watching, more raging as it develops :3


	2. BEST Dks2 Bosses

A/N: So I said "hey, the worst of what I've had to put up with is over now **hooray** then I was hit by eight motherfucking hours of backwork in math **FUUUUUUUU-** and now I'm back again, from the comfort of my accounting class, to bring you another session of unnecessary rage :3

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Top Ten BEST Dks2 bosses: Okay, so last time I reprimanded Dks2 for lacking originality and having some pretty cheap and dickish bosses, but it wasn't all bad, in fact some of the bosses were some of the best in the whole series.

Let's remember the good bosses of Dks2, which I feel get far too little recognition :3

**10) The Last Giant/Giant Lord**: Above all, I loved the fact the first boss of this game, unlike the other two, was actually a proper first boss. The Vanguard of Demon's Souls was intended to educate you in the art of getting rekt, followed by harsh punishment for doing so, and Dark Souls gave you the Asylum demon, which was intended to be a complete pushover whist teaching you basic survival skills. The Last giant is the devs saying "You already know the basics, so let's give you a boss that's balanced but legitimately challenging for the end of the level" you know, like a _fucking level boss_.

He's still fairly easy considering his enormous size and strength, and any player with a decent amount of skill can evade him and take him apart try one, but to a new player he'd be very difficult to take down and be a fair introduction to the art of getting rekt without being cheap or dickish, and getting to see him in his prime towards the end of the game added an excellent tie in to the lore.

But, great boss or no, he's still the first boss of the game, thus is trapped at least of the best :3

**9) The Lost Sinner**: While I still think the NG+ Lost Sinner is an absolute whore, NG Lost Sinner was very fitting as the first great lord you encounter: her attacks are pure melee with no special environmental or magic abilities, but she's fast, agile, and very aggressive- paying attention to her moves and keeping your timing perfect isn't a tip, it's a requirement.

The Lore theory it's really Quelana from Dks1 adds plenty of intrigue, and her theme was pretty good. Sadly, the fight with her just isn't all that fun, earning her a low nine.

**8) Executioner's Chariot**: Overall medium, but I loved how creative this fight was: having to evade the chariot and deal with the skeletons without dawdling made the fight very unique, and forced you to break from your usual tactics to accommodate the new conditions, which is always a plus.

**7). The Old Dragonslayer**: Dragonslayer Orn- I mean Old dragonslayer has no particular strength in my mind, and is a little lacking in the creativity for- reasons, however, the lore theories surrounding him give him a great deal of depth, and the fight was tricky, but not overtly unfair or impossible. Overall, fighting him is the number one thing to do near the start of the game.

I fought him and won with duel rapiers, SL 30, it was legendary

**6) Skeleton Lords**: I really wish I could move them higher on the list, sadly, I have to be fair and give them a scant rank. The fight wasn't too difficult, but it's the only swarm boss in the game that didn't fuck up: It was absurdly fun, the Castlevania style music was energetic and added a lot to the atmosphere, and the aesthetic dripped with creativity, and the balance, while set pretty low, was very fair (I'm looking at you, Prowling Magus).

Overall, fighting them was the most fun I've ever had in a souls game, even if the challenge and lore aspects are lacking, earning them a solid six :3

**5). Smelter demon**: This one was- actually pretty good, although there's a stigma about him due to his glitchyness and stupid armor class, which is fairly annoying, but I loved how unique the fight was: he had a good combination of AoE's and melee attacks, his ability to power up with fire the more damaged he was gave him a Flamelurker feel, his aggression made you think on your toes, his theme was very fitting (should've called it "Smelter Demon" not ruin sentinels, Troll Soft), and, they not only kept you from his legs, keeping you from outmaneuvering him, but they gave a good reason _why_ rather than do something bullshit like, say, sticking him in a fucking lava lake. The lore around him, while scant, worked well, earning the smelter demon a firm five.

From here on, it's nothing but the best :3

**4). Flexile Sentry**: This fight I put up less for his difficulty and more for his creativity and lore. Name one game, one game where you fight- a Gemini. A _Gemini_. Props to the devs for coming up with something I've legitimately never seen before, and the lore not only told itself through the environment and his soul, but it was told through his chilling, dark theme with the sounds of creaking cell doors and tortured moans, which made this boss very, very menacing seeing him for the first time.

While he doesn't have adequate health and defense in NG, his melee is diverse and unpredictable, and in the longer battles, you really see how deceptive and fun he can be. Like that overhead attack where he bends over and comes down on your head, bypassing your shield. Again, major props to the development team.

The NG+ and NG+2 additions are a little dickish, but with this boss, I'm willing to go through the extra challenge because if any boss deserves a buff for an extended battle, it's this guy.

**3). Velstadt, the Royal Aegis**: This boss is nothing but win- his fight is astoundingly difficult, his lore is very good- equal parts tragic and epic at the same time, and, above all, he has the role of Garl Vinland, one of the best tragic characters in fiction, and the fate of Artorias the Abysswalker- one of the best tragic characters in fiction, rolled into one ultimate badass. And the theme music- the theme is absolutely gorgeous and haunting.

His main denomination is his lack of creativity- I love this boss to death, but I can't get past the fact he is still Garl Vinland 3.0 with a dash of Artorias, not a unique character. Thus, he is exiled to third in show, but still great.

**2). Darklurker**: Yes, she takes your effigies, and yes the chasm of the abyss is a gankfest clusterfuck, but that doesn't change the fact this boss is epic.

She deserved to be the final boss of Dks2- Just slap "Nashandra" over "Darklurker" and give her the dialogue. The only conceivable reason why they'd cut her out of that role is the sheer level of difficulty she poses. Her lore is okay, but what struck me was how atmospheric her fight and theme were, and the fact she demonstrated powers far beyond anything in the game. This bitch is- no doubt- the pinnacle of black magic skill and power- using intelligence and finesse over brawn, yet still proving near goddamn unstoppable. The only reason I don't declare her the hardest boss of dark souls is that she is nerfable by pyromancy- a barrage of flameswath will murder her no problem, which is kind of a letdown.

Her real barrier from the top spot is her skimpy lore, and the fact she can be nerfed, otherwise, a boss of the highest order.

**1). The Rotten**: Yes, he's the toilet monster, but I don't give a flying fuck because this boss made the entire game for me.

His cutscene and the description of his soul indicating he's a benevolent ruler you've come to murder just for his soul made me feel really bad afterwards, even if he is hell ugly.

Also, the dark, infernal atmosphere made him scary as hell- when the cutscene ended and he started coming at you with a cleaver bigger than a park bench, and _**Dat Harpsichord**_ started strumming those short, jabbing notes, you knew you were fucked. There are a lot of themes of loved in the game, there were a lot themes I thought complimented their bosses well, but The Rotten has the best theme in the entire game- one of the best in the entire series- every other theme is a matter of "how close does it come to being as good as The Rotten".

His ludicrous strength and deceptively slow speed also made him a major threat- you think he's lumbering when really he's nearly as fast as you are, and his rapid series of attacks destroy your stamina in seconds, even behind a greatshield. His angle of attack is also wide enough that even with his medium turn speed, he can and will turn and hit you if you try to hide next to him.

Even without any dickish moves up his sleeve, I found this boss incredibly hard to kill- his attack is insane and his defense all but nullifies magic and pyromancy- you don't cheese this boss, it's head to head, man to man, unless your impartial to wasting shittons of arrows or use those goddamn lightning bolts.

His AoE's were also a nightmare once you get him down to half health- since it covers a smaller area but they are much harder to see coming since they're so much faster, and his grab attack made me shriek like a little girl more than once.

With this boss, you don't need to be told he's a Great Lord- he _IS_ the great lord, there is no question from the moment you lay your eyes on him, which adds to him tremendously since even the lost sinner didn't strike me as a lord- I was actually a little surprised when it read as a lord soul.

Overall, everything comes together so goddamn perfectly- it's just-

Lady Shuffles ran her ass off- reeking of urine as she was dropped to 5% health in one hit once again after missing a dodge, her stamina draining to nothing as she fled for her life with the defiant cries of "Oh Muh Jeezus- please don't kill _meeeeee!_" whist the great lord swept forward- his godly theme of ultimate destruction booming in the background as he closed in for the kill. Lady Shuffles tried to heal- only to get yanked off the ground- busted in two- and tossed into the flaming grease that was the Rotten's underworld, disintegrating.

He looks at you- "_Yolo swag ma' nizzle, mude'fuckah_."

The fact he's the spiritual successor to Gravelord Nito- who actually managed to bite as hard as he barked- cements the Rotten as the best boss in Dark Souls 2, the boss I look forward to fighting every single playthrough because it just never stops being epic :3

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Well that's my list, were you surprised? Did I miss somebody? Do you have a complaint? Again, thanks for watching! :3


	3. Things I hate in Dks2

A/N: Don't get me wrong, I did as a matter of fact enjoy Dark Souls II. Chill the fuck out entirety of the dark souls community, I didn't say it was a great game- I didn't say it was better than Dark Souls or Demon's Souls (the very notion would be laughable if it wasn't so fucking pathetic) I just said I've found worse way to burn my time and there were a few _aspects_ that were actually pretty good.

But, this game is not without sin- oh no, not even close, and the fantastic master of the Trolling Arts, EarthScraper, reminded me just how many things made me want to gouge out my eyes, pour salt, gasoline, and liquid nitrogen into the empty sockets, and set the whole concoction on fire for fucks and giggles.

Do note there will be many repeats from previous lists and likely in future lists, because this is a compilation of all the aspects that made the game unbearable overall, so unbearable parts of the game will likely be cited elsewhere in specific examples. Now, let's get started…

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**10). The I-frames**: The I frames in this game are fucking ridiculous- not because there are so many nothing can touch you, but because there are so few you have to ask yourself why you bother rolling in the first place. This problem is painfully evident in the fight against the Lost Sinner, Smelter Demon, Velstadt, and Pursuer: I can't tell you how many times I've successfully rolled past their attacks- clearly out of the way, and still taken damage.

What the fuck is the point of dodging if you only get a third of the I-frames? All I'm doing is getting my lifebar wiped out for the privilege of moving five feet towards the boss. It's really aggravating and destroys a perfectly good combat mechanic.

This problem compounds with the fact the enemies apparently have a targeting system programmed by the Illuminati on a computer scavenged from a UFO installed in a NASA space station that can and will hit anything and everything no matter how hard it tries to escape...

**9). Dull environments**: There's nothing I can pin down, precisely, but there is a certain lack of spirit in the environments of this game.

You want proof? Play Demon's Souls, replay Dark Souls, and come back. You'll _know _what I mean.

**8). Inexplicable Plot Holes and Positioning**: Why is Pharis' armor and hat in a random fucking box in the fortress, yet her bow is on a random fucking balcony on the ramparts of castle Drangleic? Why is Ornstein in this game? Where the fuck is the Lordvessal? How in the fuck does Nashandra "covet the first flame", where is it? Where's the kiln? Do you see a first flame anywhere because I sure don't? Where did the Lion Clansmen come from and why are they just hanging around? Why is the shaded woods cursed? Why are the ghosts just regular fog dudes? Why? Why? _Why_?

**7). Instadeath moves**: This speaks for itself, really. How do we make a boss hard? Special attacks? Intriguing abilities explained by a developed backstory? Unpredictable and agile moves? _NOOOOOOOOPE_, we'll just load that bitch up with a finger of god ultimate attack that will guaren-fucking-tee the absolute death and humiliation of all them feeble player-fags.

Grab attacks and parrying don't count (though that ogre head-chomper attack comes pretty close) I'm leaning more towards the preposterous Ancient Dragon rain of fire or the Duke's lovely death ray that sweeps over the whole. Fucking. _Room! _Having a few certain death attacks in the game makes it interesting, but this was so fucking rife with them it's most definitely a sin.

Instadeath attacks ruin the game because they completely kill the premise of tactics- the only tactic is to avoid getting instadeathed and it's annoying as fuck.

**6). Illogical geography**: I swear the devs took somewhere around 2.5min designing the map for the whole game:

How is their sunlight filtering through the roof of the Shrine of Amana when you're _under the fucking ground_! And don't say some shit like "oh it's a hole that leads to the surface" Bullshit! We are not only underground, but under the castle. What the fuck is supporting the giant ass castle if there is a hollow underground shrine right under it? pixiedust? Unicorn semon? The power of love? And excluding the unholy force of gravity, how is there sunlight when it was and is _pouring rain_ on the surface?

How are you able to take an elevator from the Earthen Mound to Iron Keep when the Iron Keep is filled to the brim with lava? Why are you _ascending_ to a castle that _sunk_- it makes absolutely no sense! Is this the holy elevator of the ubermensch that can go down while going up and hold back an ocean of broiling magma? Yes, that's much better than, say, having you walk out the back of the earthen mound, letting you look down upon the sunken castle and having you climb a treacherous set of iron debris down to the wreckage.

Oh wait, that would be _badass_, but that would exceed the 2.5 time quota!

This bullshit compared to the shocking revelation you can actually look down upon Blighttown from Firelink Shrine, realizing the great branches of the tree overhead are actually those of the Ash Lake archtree, and literally _dozens _of other incredible moments like that...

**5). Flat NPCs and characters**: Same story as the environment, but this was so much more painful.

I can't PvP- you're talking to someone with satellite internet- fast downloads, dogshit slow uploads- I'd be so fucking laggy I'd look like Neo on crack and that shit's not my style. So, matter of factly, I depend on NPC's to carry me through a LOT of near impossible battles, especially in NG+

Beyond that, I always, _always_ tell everyone I judge a story by two crucial factors: the plot and the characters within the plot. Shitty characters ruin the plot, a bad plot ruins the game and the characters, so it's a _big_ deal for me.

Dark and Demon's Souls addressed this in the most gorgeous way possible: once you understood the enemies you fought against, you couldn't help but feel very, very hurt and sympathetic at having to kill them (Sif, Artorias, Gwyn, The Witch of Izalith, Allant, Garl Vinland and Astraea, and Manus to name just a few)

And that's just your enemies, both games employed a massive cast of interesting, lovable, and memorable characters that were clearly given a great deal of well-earned budget and creativity to serve as companions in your travels: from the grossly incandescent Solaire, to the luckless Siegmeyer of Catarina, the cynical but intriguing Crestfallen Warrior, the hilarious Biorr of the Twin Fangs, the sympathetic Ostrava of Boletaria, the charming Laurentius of the Great Swamp, the feeble but faithful Griggs, the great Big Hat Logan, the honorable Sage Freke, and even that cheeky Patches.

The worlds were _full_ of life and emotion because they were filled with so many amazing characters- watching Siegmeyer die to the demons, reluctantly dispatching Solaire in Izalith after we survived so much together, rescuing Ostrava from the jaws of death not once but three times, seeing Biorr triumphantly run out and _rape_ that goddamned dragon, and hearing the last words of Garl Vinland as I landed a riposte made for some of the awe inspiring and memorable moments in the entire game.

Did Dark Souls II have good characters? Yes, there were a few (Vengarl and his armor are both epic) but not a single one had anywhere near the emotional attachment and impact characters in the last games did. This whole game suffered from an overall lack of creative energy, but this problem was never as painfully obvious as it was with the characters for me.

But, while this is the most lamentable shortfall, this is not, as a matter of fact, the biggest fuckup the devs made in this game, oh no, that honor goes to the number one- more on that later…

**4). Pitiful Boss Battles**: A fitting entry to the worst of the worst has to be this. Okay, there were a few battles that really didn't do it for me in both Demon's and Dark Souls- battles _clearly_ meant to be strictly for aesthetic and plot purposes. There were even a few that could've been great, but ended up being anticlimactic because by the time you enter the area to fight them, you're so _godly_ overleveled and powerful you can't help but chuckle as you sweep them aside with next to zero effort (Pinwheel).

But for fucks sake! This game was 70% pushover bosses. Yes, I enjoy getting the occasional break from getting murdered, but I feel it's an insult to my skills when I enter a boss room all weapons go and see a lard tub bouncing around on his tum tum shouting "Puny JedI Puny Jedi!" and surprise sur-fucking-prize his only dangerous move is an _instadeath_! (well, not exactly but I can be if you don't have mad quick-equip skills)

More than difficulty, the number of bosses in this game that were anticlimatic and relied heavily on a single ludicrous advantage for all their bite rather than actual skill and interesting abilities made up more than half the bosses I encountered.

This was just- ug- it was absolutely ridiculous, there were near zero challenging and interesting fights to be had that weren't completely broken and unbalanced (refer to my lists of best and worst bosses) a major blow to the game's playability considering this is a game whose _entire marketing catch is challenge and difficulty!_

**3). Red Phantoms**: I hate them. You hate them. _Everybody_ hates them. Let's take a game that's already hard and place, at complete random, several dozen phantom sentinels with diamond-clad armor and defenses and such an asininely fucking ludicrous level of attack power you feel like you're fighting not an NPC but the spawn of the god-mother of death and destruction herself.

Red Phantoms are not unbearable- in bonus rounds or as special challenges. Demon's souls had the interesting trait where killing a red phantom gave you many rewards but there was only one per level and they were tucked aside as a challenge fight.

I still have yet to kill the butcher bitch in the Valley of Defilement- her attack power, strength, and speed gave her a Lord Gwyn level of difficulty, I consider her one of the hardest fights in the entire game. Yes- harder than all the demons in the Valley of Defilement combined, more untouchably strong than the Storm King, Dragon God, and Old Monk, with executioner Miralda just behind. Seeing her charging through the mire whist I was stuck at a crawl wandering around lost was a more terrifying sight than the white fog at the end of the goddamned level.

And I loved it! The fact it is purely optional set the stakes low while guaranteeing a good ol' ass-whoopin' for the hell of it, and many of the black phantoms had an interesting yet somber backstory to them that made the fight even more enjoyable.

Dark Souls was a close second- red phantoms were just as rare, but pushovers by comparison, which took a ton of the menace out of them (ironic sense they are the most feared force in Lordran, according to Ingward).

But Dark Souls II- oh for the love of god why did you give them the Demon's Souls level of difficulty, the Dark Souls level of being shallow, and put them _everywhere _in the whole level. Not only did they lose the magic of being unique, but some of the red phantoms, like the halberdier at castle Drangleic, was so fucking OP you could designate them as a lower level boss battle but rather than tucking them aside- the devs put them on the main roads-

You _have _to fight them to proceed through the level, there is no option, but the worst part about the red phantoms, what made them so ungodly annoying and infuriating, was…

**2). Zerg Rushes and Ganks**: I put these two together as number two because they are so similar, but I will rant about them separately since they are equally infuriating for slightly different reasons:

**Zerg Rushes**: How do we make an enemy more challenging? Simple! Let's just take a generic enemy from the level, put them in groups of six to eight (not fucking exaggerating) and force the player to encounter all of them at once- preferably in narrow quarters that are impossible to move around in. _Brilliant!_

**Ganks**: Ganks have a specific differentiation from Zerg rushes in this respect: a zerg rush is much larger than a gank and are comprised of feebly weak or medium enemies. A gank is the opposite: there are only a few, but each member is a full boss.

The Ruin Sentinels, Darklurker, the Belfry Gargoyles, that Castle Drangleic halberdier and his asshat mastodon buddies, and those motherfucking sheepshagging ass licking tentacle raping asshole bastards for all eternity the unstoppable Giantslut and her two pyromancer love puppets! There are ganks _everyyyyyyywhereeeeeee_ is this game, this game is 70% gankings even in NG, and if it isn't a gank, it's a zerg rush.

Troll soft, from the bottom of my heart I beg of you, cut this shit out! The massive media attention to the abominable Darkroot Forest was not because we wanted that clusterfuck to be the model of all future encounters- it was because we want a good clean fight with fair odds and that usually implies 1v1, why can you not compute this!

**1). Artificial Difficulty**: That's it. I said it- the dirtiest of all dirty words in the entirety of the Dark Souls community, the word that marks its speaker as a casual noob who cries himself to sleep because the game is tew hurd and he needs to git gud.

And I am not sorry- _I- am- not- sorry_, because the vast majority of this entire game is artificially difficult.

Before I explain, you may want to know I have a very specific definition of artificial difficulty that may be slightly different than what your used to, if I were to sum it up, it would look something like this:

_Artificial difficulty: Any segment of any game that is grossly difficult or unfair owing to a single or small group of elements out of the player's control- that no level of skill can overcome without a particular action or strategy, or can only be surmounted with trial and error only._

This is my fancy way of saying "it's only hard because blank." A good example is the Anor Londo archers- you could be SL 999 with 500 poise and it would make any fucking difference whatsoever. What's their secret, incredible HP or a unique weapon?

Nope, it's because of gravity you stupid casual- no matter what your blocking power is you WILL be pushed back, and if you are even the slightest faintest angle you WILL be nudged over the side of the banister and fall to your death. There are two archers so no matter how good you are- you WILL have one shooting you in your exposed anus and you WILL take damage and be knocked forward- and the other WILL in all likelihood have time to shoot you, resetting this excerpt to the beginning…

There is no skill involved- only stupid luck and dodging at the exact right time and praying to Hari Krishnu the war maiden a stray arrow won't bat you over the edge (spoiler, that exactly what happens 99% of the time)

Every game has, on the ever so faintest level, a touch of artificial difficulty- two major branches of that being the "attack when weakspot appears (nothing else)" and the ever so fun "gimmick fight".

This form of difficulty is a cancer- it either completely destroys the fun of the game by overbalancing the game against you by such a preposterous margin there is nothing you can do but fail- which isn't a test of skill it's just infuriating as hell- or renders the game pitifully easy because what _should_ have been a good boss fight becomes ludicrously hard, only to become laughably easy once you do the special thing that completely nerfs the boss.

Victory comes not from skill, but how many exploits you can grab to render that hard-ass boss looser than Pamela Anderson on a nude beach, and this is _exactly_ the form of difficulty that seems to have seeped into every last pore of Dark Souls II. You could cite half this list as artificial difficulty in action- especially the Ganks and instadeath attacks.

The poison pool in the Baneful queen bossfight, the ganking pyromancers paired with Giantslut in NG+, the devouring attack of the pitiful Jabba the Covetous, the curse clouds that rendered Nashandra "the super bestest" until you step away from the curse clouds and kill her try one using arrows and lightning bolts, the Old Iron king whose sole purpose is to knock you into a lava lake, or the ruin sentinels, whose _only_ tough attribute is that there are not one, not two, but three of the fuckers.

What's that, triple bossfights are for casuals? Fuck it! Belfry Gargoyle _sextuple_ bossfight for everyone!

Do you know why my boss concepts are so hard? Do you know why the King of Ruin has tons of odd twists on popular gimmicks? It's to prove there is, as a matter of fact, a way to make fights more difficult without all the preposterous bullshit- that you can have a head to head, one on one battle, be dynamic and tough as balls without feeling overtly unfair, or if you have no 100% original ideas, you can find a twist on a gimmick to make it new and interesting.

Yes, it takes time effort and creativity to come up with _actual _difficulty, but the rewards and enjoyment are bountiful. The fact this is the literal end all for all sins in this games mechanics cements this as the number one irritation for this game.

Any surprises, something I left out? Leave a review, hope you enjoyed :3


	4. Weapons you should try in Dks2

A/N: I've been wanting to do "Top Ten Weapons" for so long but everytime I went for it, I couldn't help but pause and think about the fact weapons and combat styles in this game may be the same person to person, but the effectiveness of such weapons is very, very relative.

I personally think the greatsword and every weapon that uses it's moveset is _way _to clumsy and eats far too much stamina for my taste- yet there are some out there that hit so accurately and do such ludicrous damage with the thing you'd think it was a gift from the over gods themselves.

Thus, I am not doing "Top Ten" weapons nor will I ever in the future- rather, I'm citing weapons that are interesting and fun to play with, weapons I recommend you at _least_ give a few swings for the fun of it because they may be more effective than you think. This is 100% personal opinion, but everyone can agree everything in the game is at least worth a try, so this is not the first or last list of this type I'll do in the future. And yes, I do take requests :3

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**Greatsword**: Just to prove myself a complete hypocrite, I'm adding the greatsword to this list. The thing takes a great deal of control, as it has very, very piss poor tracking especially in its two handed mode that swings up and down (I fucking hate that moveset, its way to narrow and near uncontrollable at high speeds when you're turning) but, don't let its user unfriendliness fool you- this thing hits very, very hard and amply rewards anyone who learns to effectively wield this beast.

**Smelter Sword**: I wish this was a Greatsword, I really, really do. While ultragreatswords inflict a great deal of damage, they can be very unwieldy which has always been off putting- but this guy, oh- this is the _literal _sword from hell even if I wish it were more compact. It may be an ultragreatsword, but it's actually very nimble and easy to control even in two handed mode (the slashing moveset is gorgeous), it looks wicked, and I love, love, _love_ the heatblast of death that radiates from this monster- the burning thrust especially vicious. It won't survive too much abuse, but this is definitely something worth trying.

**Mastodon Greatsword**: This is the unsung hero of Dark Souls II. I never see anyone PvP with it. No-one ever talks about it. I feel it's overall underappreciated as a weapon so I'm giving it a special mention. It's physical damage is monstrous and it stunlocks very often- it also has an extremely high scale bonus of A- a rarity as large weapons often have small scale bonuses if any at all. It's also fast and doesn't consume at that much stamina- I can get a full five strikes out it- or four good strikes plus an evasive roll, which makes this an awesome side-arm for mid-weight builds. Even if you've mastered the greatsword, I recommend you give this baby a whirl and see how much power she really packs.

**Heide Greatlance**: This beauty is another weapon that tends to be overlooked. It's a rare drop from a certain enemy so getting it isn't the easiest feat, but getting it is well worth it. It has all the benefits of a midweight spear including speed, low stamina consumption, and flexibility. Despite this, it still hits with the force of a ballistic missile- especially it's R2 which racks up thousands of damage on a direct it

It has a small hit radius and every attack leaves you wide open, so it takes some practice to control, but is by far one of the most badass weapons in the game, so if you come across either it or it's little brother, the heide lance, you should give this thing a few great thrusts and see how it feels (wow, that sounds a lot dirtier than I intended X3 )

**Cestus**: I wouldn't recommend using this until you get into the upper levels as all of its damage comes from scaling- but scaling it has, A strength and A dexterity, that is. At 99 strength and 20 dexterity, I get an average of 300-400 damage- that's 700-1200 damage if you launch a duel-wield volley (which I often do). In all, this is not only a practical weapon in the higher levels since it has the best of speed, damage, and stamina consumption, but these are just plain fun to play with!

I can't tell you how awesome it feels to just shout "we fight like men! _Atatatatatatatatatata_-" into the screen and just beat the shit out of all those enemies that were bothering me, using only dodging to evade attacks.

And because Cestuses are for bitches, you can play Steroid Souls 2: Extra Manly Edition with the Vanquishers Seal, if you've gotten that far in the covenant.

**Varangian Sword**: The strongest longsword in the game, they are just a riot to duel wield with. They hit very hard, are very agile and fairly easy to obtain, have good scaling bonuses, and are a good change of pace from katanas, another good duel-wield weapon. Overall, nothing too special about them, they are just a fun weapon to play with for the hell of it.

**Dragonrider Bow**: Another weapon I don't see people use that often, it has the best strength scaling for bows, is very flexible and reliable, and has made the game so much easier since I am a strict pure melee fighter. Overall, I'd recommend trying it on for size.

**Berserker Blade**: Three words: 160. Base. Damage, and it's another high-tier weapon that actually has a good level of scaling. And not only is this monstrosity ridiculously strong, but it is fast- insanely fast for a weapon that does the damage it does, and it actually chains attacks with remarkable ease. Single or dual wielding- this weapon is well worth a good rampaging.

**Gyrm Greathammer**: This is an odd one- it's the only weapon on this list I find easier to handle two handed then one handed, it's also the only weapon that's more powerful out of control than in control. What sorcery is this, you ask? When you swing it two handed, it looks like it's lobbing itself all over the place (it's a fucking anvil on a pole, not exactly the definition of finesse) but the odd beauty of it is that it has a reach long enough and hit radius wide enough that even if you step around your target- you _will _hit them.

This weapon has to be carried into battle to truly appreciate, but laughing like a maniac as you clobber everyone to death with a huge fucking anvil with a hitbox that would make Velstadt blush is just addictive.

**Twinblade**: the scaling and damage are ho-hum but damn! This thing has so many hits per second it looks more like a slot machine than a counter, and in the hands of a highlevel player with maxed or near maxed scaling opposition looks more like its_ eroding_ than dying. Adding poison/bleeding for the lols makes it even better.

Its moveset and capabilities are unique- the twinblade moves like a twinblade- and should be, at the very least, played with a bit by anyone who wants to try a new weapon class :3


	5. Weapons you should try in Dks2 part II

A/N: So I said I would be doing more than one of these because I couldn't possibly fit every last weapon worth trying in one list and people _still_ lost their shit! Zomgfuknfuckedyfucfragadafragadafraga

Not really, I'm enjoying the input and thanks to EarthScraper I may have found one of my new favorite weapons, so, here's another ten weapons you should try out :3

I can't be bothered to come up with ten everything's every time because I am tired and irritable, so I'll just release these as they develop :3

…

**Rapier**: Not Ricard's rapier, not the Spider Silk, just the generic, average rapier. Why? Because this rapier has a very, very interesting trait I haven't seen anyone but myself exploit: this rapier has no R2 attack- it simply parries. Do you know what that means? That means you can parry _righthanded_, and duel wield a second thrust weapon along with it, while still being able to parry.

Try exploiting this trait in PvP- parry them with your right hand when they see you duel wielding and assume "oh he's like all offence no defense, easy peasy!" Food for thought :3

**Grand Lance**: Oh my Jesus- this is yet another weapon I had to research because I never knew it existed. I actually thought the Heide greatlance _was _the Grand Lance. I was wrong- I was so very, very wrong (T.T)

This is the Heide Lance's manlier grandpa found only in the distant past in one of the giant's memories pulling some circle jerk bullshit in the very souls style to find it, it looks absolutely boss and the damages- the fucking gorgeous, ungodly damages! Over 350 base damage, C strength and dexterity scale. It's still slow and eats quite a bit of stamina, but it can be used behind a shield and the _DAMAGES_!

If I said the heide knight lance packed the force of a ballistic missile- then this packs the force of a satellite death ray! Try it out, you will not be disappointed, though you find it very late in the game so you may have to carry it over to the next to enjoy it.

**Mace of the Insolent**: This is another weapon that requires some specialty skills to take full advantage of: it's a miracle catalyst that's also a weapon. Simple premise, no? This one's effectiveness is based on what kinds of miracles/hexes you specialized in, but if you get the hang of it, it can be a very flexible and powerful weapon.

**Blue Flame**: A magical mace of the insolent- same story.

**Curved Dragon Greatsword**: Press R2 for fun times. What's that? What makes this better than the old dragon greatsword?

S dexterity scaling. Enough said.

**Claws**: It's a cross between the manliness of the cestus with the badassery of wolverine. Get it today scrub!

**Magic, hexes, miracles, and pyromancy**: Yes, now _everyone's_ going to smash down my door yelling and screaming about what a casualfag I am for presenting the very idea of using such scrubish tactics.

Well you know what? I scrub with magic. There, I said it, now everyone knows!

I always do a pure melee playthrough, but once I get tired of getting my ass kicked around by everything in existence, I open a separate character that yes- as a matter of fact- does specialize in ranged magic and combat.

I don't recommend spamming forbidden sun and flame swath followed by a thousand shots of great resonant soul and a mass spamming "of no way! I'm 2gud4u faggot!" In fact, it's better if you just avoid PvP and go PvE to avoid the hatemail, but nonetheless, the animations are gorgeous and the damage- especially if you don't update the system, is ludicrous high.

If you want a change of pace and tactics, and don't mind the massive drop in difficulty, pure magic builds are very fun and user friendly, especially if you make use of the more devious ones like lifedrain patch, numbness, and whisper of despair to name a few :3

**Allone greatbow**: Like the dragonslayer bow, only less damaging. Still you can walk around while preparing your shot and the damage is still superb. The best place to try this weapon on for size?

Dark Chasm of Old. Thank you Anor Londo archers for showing me the number goddamn one tactic for clearing that hellhole out with minimal pain and suffering :3


	6. The Best Themes of Dark Souls 2

A/N: I've realized in the last several lists I've done. And in many of the projects I've worked on, and all the interactions I've had lately have all been overwhelmingly pessimistic. My attitude has either been negative or bored and detached because the spark of passion I have for writing, Dark Souls, and well, everything does flicker out occasionally, its normal. It takes a lot of energy to write and think critically, especially when you get less than perfect reviews.

So, before I continue The King of Ruin, which is nearing completion and has received the most rave reviews, I have decided to do an article on one of my favorite subjects, which I believe is much overdue: Music!

I _love_ music. I love theme songs, I love lyrics, I love instruments, I love every part of it. I never write without it (listening to EnV- heaven rd. 2 right now)- a good theme can make a boring character or battle spectacular. I have given myself goosebumps writing my stories with the simple addition of the perfect theme to bring it to life.

And I love the boss themes the Souls series manages to compose. They are gorgeous- there isn't a single song I dislike- some I like more than others for different reasons, but truly saying "best" or "worst" even in the context of this list is almost impossible. In fact it's more accurate to say I love every theme but simply love them for different reasons. So, let's get started…

* * *

**19). Mirror Knight**: Coming in at the bottom of the list is the theme of Mirror knight, one of the most hell difficult bosses to grace Dark Souls 2. It fit the boss and atmosphere- okay- but I didn't feel it was anything especially spectacular, but nonetheless it is more than deserving of a mention.

**18). Lost Sinner**: You already know my opinion of the boss by now- but after hearing the equivalent to three or four hours of her theme I can safely say it was- pretty good. It fit the boss and the atmosphere well and while I wouldn't sit down and listen to it for my writing (as I do with many), it's notes of mystery and ominousness, including the work with the quiet yet distinct chorus was a definite credit to the battle.

**17). Royal Rat Vanguard**: I wish the herp derp beta team kept this theme in the hands of the executioner's chariot, but nonetheless, this theme made fighting rats feel like an epic task and that is quite an accomplishment. And dat intro- the opening of the theme revs me up whenever I walk into the boss room, a true highlight to the song.

**16). Royal Rat Authority**: I feel the boss wasn't as menacing as his theme, but still, the Authority's theme was- I have no idea what it reminds me off but something in my childhood cringed in fear when I slew those random rats, and that opening note boomed before I even saw the actual boss.

**15). The Belfry Gargoyles**: I adored the Bell Gargoyle's theme- it felt adventurous and energetic, even including a few dark elements to the background, and the chorus was one of the best of all the themes. Period. So when I emerged to face their gankfucker descendants- a tear was promptly brought to my eye as that opening tumble of instruments proudly roared forth.

**14). Flexile Sentry**: This theme was beautiful in its subtlety- it was there, you more felt it than heard it with those deep, lurid horns, but it didn't need a chorus or great noise to leave an impression- oh no, the fainter sounds nestled within it- namely _dat harp_- both served to haunt me as well as convey the Flexile Sentry's backstory: that moan of despair near the beginning said it all, this would be at home in a H.P. Lovecraft novel, which is excellent since this is _Dark_ Souls, afterall.

**13). Vendrick**: I'm so going to catch hell for not putting him much higher than the list, but I'm still putting him down at 13 because I though the themes ahead of him were better in some ways. Still, I can't deny this is the most simplistic but emotional and somber theme in the game- every souls game has at least one theme that completely disregards the "epicness" or "horror" factor and is meant as a simple reminder the world is indeed dying, and simply hacking down and slaying everyone in your sights will not be enough to mend it- that these are people that were once great and noble, and it is you who are the true monster (Garl Vinland, Gwyn, Vendrick)

**12). Nashandra**: Another boss unworthy of the theme she was given- you cannot deny this was the music of an almighty force- a theme worthy of ending a game like dark souls. And I swear, at a few faint moments, I actually found myself feeling like the fight against Nashandra was- awesome.

That is hell impressive.

**11). Skeleton Lords**: I loved this theme so much because it's so- different. I cannot think of one single theme this could be inspired from in the game- its mood is fun and energetic- it felt like I was playing Devil May Cry again: that I was a demonslayer and they were _my _enemy to vanquish. Did it go against the tone of Dark Souls? Maybe, but this theme made the Skeleton Lord's one of my favorite bosses, and is a highlight of the game.

**10). Throne Watcher, Throne Defender**: It's a shame- a horrible, bloody shame Yui made this double boss fight a pointless filler and not something better, because the bosses and environment match the theme perfectly- and it is a _good_ theme. This was another theme that was unique and distinct from all the others- it's like a very sinister, darkly elegant waltz- the enemies tendency to slow walk towards you like a duo of rapists making the sense of peril very real even when I had trusty Benhardt and Vengarl at my back.

**9). Ruin Sentinels**: I still say it should be called "Smelter Demon" but in any case, this theme is full of win. It wasn't loud or booming- but every last note was crystal clear (especially that opening crash of horns) and simplistic choice of instruments with a smaller chorus brought back the old Demon's Souls style so many missed. It doesn't do anything special to illicit the feeling of helplessness or peril- but this is _damn_ good dueling music, whether it be against the Smelter Demon or Ruin Sentinels- the music always got me pumped up and got me to push my flexibility as high as I could.

**8). The Old Dragonslayer**: If Ornstein were to make a grand return- this would be the theme to use. Oh wait- they did! This theme was equal parts grand and heroic, and though I can't hear it myself, but I'm sure the rumors elements of Ornstein's good old dark souls theme are in there somewhere. If ruin sentinels was damn good dueling music, this was hell excellent dueling music.

**7). Velstadt, the Royal Aegis**: This theme- I know Vendrick's is the most somber, but this theme was unbelievably haunting for me. The chorus and instruments, especially the violin, created a theme of darkness that stood far, far above the majority the themes in the game- like the opening cord and that great drop appears towards the end of the song, and the theme was very fitting for the boss considering his back history. Truly one of my favorites in the series

**6). The Executioner's Chariot**: This theme- is full of win. Enough said, words do not do justice for how great this theme was, especially paired with the executioner's chariot fight and the undead purgatory it was set in.

**5). The Pursuer**: We all know it- we all felt the sense of dread and impending death when we faced the pursuer for the first time and this theme broke out. It's steady- but relentless- every second of hearing it only cranks up the tension higher and higher, even when it repeats, there is no build up- it just keeps wrenching your nerves down from beginning to end. This theme makes the fight against the pursuer feel like a head to head fight to the death- which is highly befitting the lore behind the pursuer. Thanks to the pursuer's theme, his fairly average fight was made very memorable.

The demon's souls style of minimalist instrumentation also added to it- you focus on the boss, not the theme, creating a great deal of ambiance.

**4). Ancient Dragon**: Now THIS is the theme of a dragon- that feeling the apocalypse has begun hearing the scream of chorus when you make the mistake of pissing him off- the raw power of the massive percussions- the jab of war flutes- the moans of agony tucked away in the instruments, and the biblical strings of notes-

THAT is what it sounds like to fight a motherfucking dragon!

**3). Darklurker**: This theme is the very definition of beauty and elegance- the chimes, harp, piano, the hum of crystal glass, and that gorgeous, angelic chorus.

No brutish horns or war drums here (save a quiet beat, though it's a lot more subtle than others), this boss needs none to convey her power.

**2). The Rotten**: Is this the best theme in the game? No, to be fair.

Is it my favorite? _Hell yeah!_ I love this theme so much, it just never loses its taste no matter how many times I listen to it. The harpsichord was amazingly well used in this theme, and gave it a mood all its own. Its instrumentation was highly complex and sophisticated, the male chorus was one of the best in the series. The mood was equal parts powerful, sinister, and horrifying. It had a great scale, several unique sets of notes and instrumentation, and was overall one of the best themes I have ever heard in a Souls game. Period.

**1). Demon of Song**: I hated this boss- there were only three bosses I consider bigger wastes of programming than this toady fucker- but goddamn! His theme was so right in so many ways. You barely get to hear it because Yui Cumdumstermura and the Troll Soft dev team turned it down so low you could only distinguish a few faint notes (Much like the theme of Manus) but if you hear it on a video player with the volume turned up- allowing you to actually hear the fucking thing- it is amazing.

The layering of instruments, the use of clacking wood to add a unique, hollow sound to fit the bosses personality and tree-bark appearance, it was all so goddamn beautiful, one of the best in the entire series. Now if only the demon of song was worthy of its theme…


	7. The Best Themes of Dark Souls

A/N: So I had a graduation Friday, my uncle's birthday yesterday, and now another graduation today… URRR! I'm just one man dammit! And if I'm raging, you know what time it is…

Love it or hate it, the soundtrack of Dark Souls was a massive departure from the Demon's Souls humble but passionate themes. Love it or hate it, there were many great themes to be heard.

Major props to the composer for making _every- fucking- theme_ in this game kick so much ass it's near impossible to order them, even more so than Dark Souls 2...

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**18) Sanctuary Guardian**: This theme was pretty good with its instrumentation and chorus but much like the boss- it is just- there. I don't get a big emotional impact form hearing it, it's just a good theme.

**17) Ash Lake**: not a boss theme- but- dat chorus, dem trees, dat scenery…

**16) Gwyn, Lord of Cinder**: BWAAA? Putting Gwyn third to last!? Inconceivable! Well, I have a reason: the theme was good- damn good, in its simplicity and somber mood. It fit the last boss very well- but since it is so simplistic, there isn't much to pick out and narrate on, so it falls this low for that reason only. Plus, there are a few other tragic themes on the list that did a better job…

**15) Great Grey Wolf Sif**: This theme- is so- just- waaaaaaahhhhhhhhh Sif! Why did I have to kill you, it didn't have to end this way! (T.T)

**14) Knight Artoiras**: the tragic element in this theme is one of the best the series ever produced- I consider only a few to ever surpass it, more in that later. But something that bothered me is that the fast, aggressive pace toward the middle- the one that only lasts about ten or fifteen seconds- was _perfect_ for the fight, and knight Artorias. The rest of it- the painfully slow and simplistic note- just did not fit.

If the whole song was like it was in that sweet spot, this song would be damn near the top of the list.

**13) Taurus Demon**: This theme was nothing too astonishing, but it fit the fight very well and incorporated a lot of good chorus work and has the boon of being very memorable.

**12) Chaos Witch Quelaag**: This was another theme that fit its boss like a glove- especially that opening shout of the chorus. The theme felt dark and twisted, but has an annoying habit of fading into the background and getting lost, which isn't very good.

**11) Pinwheel**: one of the biggest pansies in all of Souls? Maybe, but his theme- It was interesting and the sitar (i think it's a sitar, could be wrong) gave it one of the most unique opening notes of any song in the series.

**10) Iron Tarkus**: theme of the most motherfucking metal and epic fighters in the history of souls, and that screeching opening gave it so much bite- what? This is the theme of Old Iron Bitchass- I'm sorry, Iron Bitchass? Fuck you ya dumbfuck you don't know shit!

**9) Bell Gargoyle**: If you read the last chapter, you already know why I love this theme so much. Plus, aside from how much I love the composition itself, this theme commemorated the first true fight in Dark Souls (don't give me that Taurus/Asylum demon bullshit), giving it a special place in my memories of the first playthrough of Dark Souls, the first game I played.

**8) Seathe the Scaleless**: the theme of madness incarnate- this stood out in the fight so much I had to place it on the list. The use of chimes and bells to emulate crystal and falling glass was absolutely brilliant. The elements of horror and fear also made one of the most pansy bosses in the game feel like a tremendous threat, which was another great choice.

It's a Christmas party in hell-

it's a marry-go-round of madness you can never escape (especially when you chase that fucking tail. NOTHING that large should be able to turn that fast, dammit!)

It's the end of your wretched existence- the theme of Seathe.

**7) Manus, Father of the Abyss**: Another theme the retard developers at Troll Soft chose to turn way down instead of up, but if you listen to it on a music player- all holy jeezus does it come to life. This theme is highly complex and uses a wide variety of sets of notes so you never feel like you're hearing the same thing for too long. And some of the things the male chorus does with their voice is nothing short of inhuman, that dun- da- da- da they use makes my throat hurt just hearing it.

Its mood is ungodly violent and chaotic, which perfectly describes Manus and makes it one of the best in the game.

**6). Gravelord Nito**: I don't scare easy- especially in a video game. But when I saw Nito's cutscene and heard that banging on the piano, I knew I was fucked, and was very much intimidated. The haunting sound of a thousand weeping spirits sweeping through the air, the heavy growl of chanting-

This was the theme of a reaper- it fit Nito so perfectly you were truly convinced he would be the hardest boss in existence, made you regret ever entering his boss room…

Yet another thing From fucked up! Why is he such a pansy when you actually fight him, dammit!

**5). Black Dragon Kalameet**: This does not sound like the theme of a Dragon, sadly- more like the theme of a dark lord or evil emperor. It doesn't capture the raw power of other Dragon's Themes, but fuck it! This theme was still amazing, and I happily give it fifth place!

**4). Gaping Dragon**: the loudest, fastest, most aggressive theme ever conceived. Yes- in the whole series, not one single theme comes anywhere close to the sheer, massive power that is the Gaping Dragon's theme-

It is the sound of Guts screaming and ripping Chuck Norris in half with a nuclear explosion in the background-

It is the sound of Godzilla shooting down the death star with a shoop da whoop-

It is the sound of Conan the Barbarian smashing through the wall on the back of a saber tooth tiger with rocket launchers on its back.

It is the sound of battleship opening fire on a coastline full of Spartans with rows of ballistic missiles-

A true theme for a Dragon- that couldn't do shit when you learned to avoid the feet.

**3). Four Kings**: This theme- was the theme that turned boys into men- scrubs into pros- and goldfish into gaping dragons. It is one of the most tension building and aggressive themes in the series, coming at a very close second to the pursuer in the tension building category, and you already know which theme is more aggressive…

The elements of peril and darkness were also very fitting- it made fighting an army of Nazghul in a void of pure darkness an epic feat rather than a chore, and the warcry I let up when I finally beat the sons of bitches that much sweeter.

**2). Ornstein**: No- fatass does not get the honor of being mentioned, only the awe-inspiring epic golden knight that is Ornstein- those godly horns and elegant organ notes making you imagine all the fucking cool and badass things Ornstein did when he was out slaying dragons rather than babysitting Gwynevere (I'm sure the whole Seathe "having intercourse" with her under Ornstein's watch is a big misunderstanding).

Best dueling music in the game- perhaps even series, especially since this is one of the few themes that really, really stood out in the fight rather than meshing in as ambiance (Pursuer, Ancient Dragon, Gaping Dragon, Four Kings, and Gravelord Nito to name a few), even though fatass ruined it for many a gamer…

But wait, I've already gone through pretty much the best boss themes, so what's number one, then?

**1). The Hidden Track**: Again, not a boss theme- what? You haven't heard this before? You're wondering what it is and why it's number one?

THEN GET YOUR FUCKING ASS TO YOUTUBE AND LOOK THAT BITCH UP YOU IGNORANT SCRUBS!

Now that you're back- this theme is- this is the best theme because it doesn't represent something as simple as a boss- it doesn't represent a particular level- it represents the whole fucking game and everyone who plays it: The elements of darkness and despair, the elements of power and might, the elements of overcoming the impossible and forging ahead, of hope and redemption- that is what the Souls series is all about- that it what it means to play the game and why this theme is the undoubted and uncontested number one theme in Dark Souls- in all of Souls.

No song moved me like this did, no song more perfectly fits what it feels like to play the game. This is the number one- there is no other that can come close to it.


	8. The Best Themes of Demon's Souls

A/N: two down so piss on it, I'm doing Demon's Souls to finish it off!

I feel the second list was a lot less intuitive than the first- mostly because Dark Souls II used a far more simplistic- therefore easy to analyze- form of music while Dark Souls was a lot harder to peg and I frankly didn't have the energy to pull some giant explanation out of my ass since I love them all anyway.

Now Demon's Souls- this was running on a low budget with limited instruments- the mood and instrumentation had to be used on a very intelligent and simple manner, which makes analyzing which one is "best" a bit more difficult. I personally didn't like the Demon's Souls soundtrack at all until I started playing the game, and even then I had to be weaned off Dark Souls one with Dark Souls II which incorporated elements of the style.

But when I did learn to love- I did fall in love- with every last theme.

Ho boy, this will be fun…

* * *

**16) Flamelurker**: A pretty solid composition- but something that really bothered be is the fact this boss and its theme do _not _feel like they go together- why does one of the most hyperaggressive and powerful enemies have a theme that is so slow and casual? I feel it really worked against itself.

**15) Maneater**: a curse upon the developer responsible for these fuckers- but their theme wasn't completely terrible. It has an air of being very high and free flowing- and its tendency to break out in those rapid sets of strings certainly did the tension of fighting not one but two of these things justice.

**14) Storm King**: some people say this theme is creepy- not really, but it is haunting and edgy, yet the long, sad notes of the horns fit the graceful and elegant storm king, a pagan god resurrected to life in the form of a massive demon.

**13) Phalanx**: A pretty good battle theme, if I do say so myself- the rapid series of stings and booming horns make the battle feel very dynamic. I'm somehow reminded of racing when I listen to it- which makes a lot of sense considering most of the fight is running around trying to find a weakspot.

**12) Dragon God**: A good theme for the retardedly powerful boss that near guarantees an instadeath- the slow tune compliments the fact you have to pay close attention to what you're doing, or your ass will be ground to paste before you can so much as blink. The church bells reek of danger- which is fitting since there is an indescribably enormous cunt of a boss ready to bitch slap you into oblivion looming over you.

**11) Adjudicator**: this theme is delightfully unsettling when you first hear it- which compliments the intro to the boss: you peer through the fog, thinking you're safe because there is no boss in sight. You step through, those unsettling horns play, and you see the lifebar thinking "oh shit, where's the boss?" you come forward- and this fucked up yellow blob of a thing whacks you upside the face with his tongue. The jabbing notes spread throughout also make it good fighting music.

**10) Vanguard**: Overall one of the best battle themes in the game- its booming horns and relentless strings give you an impression of grand strength and power- appropriate considering this cheeky cunt is one of the most stupid, bullshiting, OP enemies you'll ever encounter.

**9) Dirty Colossus**: There's a lot of people who make one of this theme- which I think is a shame because it has one of the most interesting openings and sets of strings of any of the themes. The "farting" as people call it, is meant to give it a gaseous or reeking feel- which fits the boss and made breaking him apart to release all the- I don't even fucking know what- from his body that much more grotesque.

**8) Old Monk**: this theme is more decadent than elegant- and considering the boss is literally a robe that drives men mad, the Old Man nothing but a hollow shell that wears the robe in the off hours- going so far as to pile more chairs than a fucking Art Van in the corner and forge a throne at the highest point in the highest tower on the highest plain in the land, decadence is a good theme to use.

**7) The False King**: This is concentrated epicness in the form of a really, really badass organ- and the roar of the False King charging at you with a scream brought this to life as the most epic battle in the game. It's equal parts strength and elegance, and is all around amazing.

**6) Tower Knight**: this theme was like the Ornstein theme of the game: it spoke of power, strength, and grandeur beyond your puny brains' processing power: and the fact a chorus is not a right to be thrown around but a carefully chosen god given privilege in a game with such limited resources made the chant of dat male chorus all the more shining. Still, though this is one of my favorite themes, there were plenty more that put this to shame…

**5) Armor Spider**: Holy mother of brass! This was the most ridiculously aggressive, Dark Souls-style themes in the game, and it's for a fucking fire breathing spider! Yet I can't help but see how many ways it fits: the rapid drum refers to how much you have to run your ass up and down the tunnel to keep from getting vaporized, and the pluck of the strings gives you some good imagery of a spider pulling at its web. Whoever said "let's just pick some random ass theme and go fucking berserk with the instruments!" I thank you :3

**4) The Old Hero**: this theme- especially with that deep roll of the strings- is the definition of creeping fear. It's mysterious and ominous with the harpsichord (one of the best instruments since ever) and makes fighting this injured, blind mummy feel like a tense and exhilarating experience. Whenever I got too cozy- and he actually turned about and started running at me rather than meandering- I damn near shat myself.

**3) Fool's Idol**: what I love about this theme is the fact it is so simple- only two dominant instruments: the piano and violin- yet there is something deeply and immensely disturbing about it when it fills the boss room. The slow, dark tone, paired with all the creepy shit surrounding the boss *shitters* that's hardcore Lovecraftian spooky right there…

**2) The Old One**: First of all- CHORUS! Thank you for the chorus, second, this was an all round great final boss theme but what really makes this worthy of being so high is an interesting detail an intrepid youtube commenter pointed out: the theme serves to highlight just how hollow and useless Allant really is- this isn't even his theme, it's the Old One's, he just happened to be flopping about in the same room, hence why it doesn't disappear when he dies- and I love me some symbolism.

**1) Maiden Astraea**: in my eyes- there was no other theme but this one that could possibly be number one. This is- for sure and beyond doubt- one of the most emotional and_ the_ _most_ tragic theme in the series. Gwyn? Yeah, his piano was a little sad. Vendrick? Pretty much Gwyn 2.0.

But this theme- it has the quality that no matter how often I hear it, especially in the four times in the boss fight, it never stops being sad, the emotional shock of your actions hearing this song lingers, and when paired with Garl Vinland's voice in the background- as I said, there was no other theme that could top it.


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